Old men and throwing up are my life now.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
