all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
