Sry I called you an 8
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
