life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
