I woke up to her vacumming the grass
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
