i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
