Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
