first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
