saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize