Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
