i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
