i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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