JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
