Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize