Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
