Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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