Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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