So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
