I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
