Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
either way he was missing a nipple.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
