I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My hand turned me down
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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