Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
