morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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