So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
home. puking in laundry basket.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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