There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
