Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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