she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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