I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
