I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
