I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
