ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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