every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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