I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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