we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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