I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
