I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
