I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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