Im at strip club and am horny
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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