I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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