Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
