I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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