Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
