You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
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