So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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