I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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