on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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