Can i not drive my cunt home
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
