dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
