I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
