mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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