peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize