cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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