he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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