my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Randomize
