did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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