I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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