Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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