3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
