now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize